Harry Potter 7 Nutshelled and Other Parodies
by supercoolstupid111
Summary: Even more parodies, same low price!
1. The Phoenix Conspiracy

Harry Potter and the Phoenix Conspiracy

Regulus Alphard Black the fifteenth was hiding in a cave.

He had come upon hard times since stealing something precious of the Dark Lord's. He knew that someday, he would be found.

But it did not matter, for the locket…was gone.

He had long since destroyed it and its magical contents, leaving behind a note for Lord Voldemort.

A knock came at the door of the cave.

"Who is it?" asked R.A.B. uncertainly.

He heard a cold, high-pitched laugh. Panicking, he ran away from the door to his cave. However, before he was even a few meters away, a small, ugly-looking rat with a silver paw slipped under the door and chased after him.

Black ran, glancing behind as he went. There was a water tunnel to the ocean if he could just get far enough…

He looked again at the mouse, but in its place was a small, ugly-looking man, with a silver hand.

"_AVADA KEDAVRA!" _exclaimed Wormtail.

R. A. B. was dead.

Chapter 2

Harry Potter was at number four Privet Drive for the very last time.

"Aunt Petunia? Uncle Vernon?" he asked. "I'm leaving."

"Oh," grunted Vernon.

"Wait," said Petunia. "There's something I have for you."

And she held out a swishy wand. "Good for Charms," she said. "It was your mother's."

Harry blinked, confused. "Wait," he said, "You have a wand? I thought you disowned my parents."

"No, Harry," said Aunt Petunia, "I can do magic. Watch."

She waved the wand and muttered a charm, setting fire to Uncle Vernon's moustache. Then she pointed it at Dudley, who suddenly became extraordinarily skinny and healthy. He was unrecognizable.

"Wow," said Harry, "That's cool. Thanks a lot. For everything."

Then he turned to walk out the door. "Hang on," he muttered, "Hey, Dud, what _was _it you saw that time two years ago?"

Dudley turned very redder. "I saw...myself chucking my playstation out the window…"

Harry grinned. "Thanks," he said, "I've been wondering."

Then he walked out the door.

Ron and Hermione were waiting outside.

"Oh, hello Harry," they said together, looking embarrassed, "We weren't having a private conversation or anything."

"That's good," said Harry cluelessly. "Shall we get on then?" He held out his wand hand, and the Knight Bus appeared.

"Hello and welcome to the Knight Bus," said an unfamiliar young man. Harry paused, expecting Stan Shunpike's strange accent. Stan was in Azkaban, though, held without charges.

"Three to the Burrow, please" he said.

"Fifteen sickles for a brush and hot chocolate," said the man.

Harry held out 45, and they boarded the Bus.

"The Burrow!" shouted Ernie, the driver.

There was a bang, and the trio was thrown back as the Bus sped along. Within moments, they were at the old tall house that was the Burrow. There was a large commotion. Fleur Delacour was wearing a white dress, and Bill Weasley, the eldest of the brothers, was standing in a nice suit.

"Hi, Fleur," said Ron.

"'Arry!" exclaimed Fleur. She ran over and kissed him on the cheek.

Ron looked disgruntled, but Hermione looked at him and he quickly forced a grin.

Harry saw Ginny approaching, and quickly made his excuses and ran away. He didn't want to talk to Ginny, because he had recently ditched her for noble and foolish reasons.

"Harry, wait!" said Ginny.

He kept walking away.

"Batbogeyus!" cried Ginny.

Bats began to fly out of Harry's nose, assaulting his face.

"All right, all right," he cried, "Gerremoffme!"

Ginny waved her wand. "Hi Harry," she said, "Plans for school?"

"Not going to school, Ginny," said Harry pompously.

"Oh," she said, unsurprised, "Where are you going?"

"Godric's Hollow," he said, "and Grimmauld Place, and then off to kill Lord Voldemort,"

"Sounds fun," said Ginny bitterly. Then she shook her head decisively. "I'm coming," she said.

"No, you're not," said Harry bluntly.

"Yes, I am, and you can't stop me," said Ginny.

"Ginny – I told you – too dangerous – no – Ginny."

"Screw you," said Ginny.

"But – "

"Batbogeyus!" Ginny exclaimed again, and she walked away furiously.

Harry collapsed under the assault of Bat Bogeys.

Bill and Fleur were married without much trouble. The Hogwarts Express would be leaving later that month. None of them, however, had any plans of going to Hogwarts. They didn't tell Mrs. Weasely this. So they went to Diagon Alley, and instead of buying spellbooks and robes, they bought broomsticks, hex books, and Shield Cloaks from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes.

Fred and George beamed.

They boarded the Hogwarts Express. On arriving at the grounds, Harry, Ron and Hermione dashed away from the crowd, out of the gates, and prepared to disapparate.

"Next stop, Godric's Hollow" said Harry.

There were four loud cracks, and they went.

Godric's Hollow was a house. According to the plaque, it had owned by Godric Gryffindor, and his descendants had possessed it to the day of its destruction.

"Harry," said Hermione, "Do you realize what this means,"

"No…" said Harry, bewildered.

"It means," said Ron, feeling bright and pompous, "That you're the last living descendant of _Godric Gryffindor_."

Harry gaped at him. "I'm what?" he asked.

"Harry," said Ron, as though he were speaking to a little boy, this house was destroyed in the hands of your father – he inherited it. That means that you inherited the house of Godric Gryffindor. Stupid."

"Oh, right." Said Harry, feeling stupid. Then he paused. "So what? That still means that Hermione is better than I am at magic. Not like it makes a difference, eh? Unless you're Malfoy or something."

Hermione beamed. "Thanks, Harry."

They wandered around the wrecked house aimlessly. Then Harry found the tombstones.

"James Harold and Lily Evans Potter" he read. "Fantastic Aurors, and good people. Killed in the last battle."

He wept. "Oh man," he said, "it's too bad they're dead. That's why I'm trying to save the world and all."  
Ron and Hermione patted him on the back comfortingly.

"OK!" said Harry. "Good to have that sentimental scene out of the way, now the plot can move on to finding Horcruxes."

"Hooray!" said Hermione, Ron, and someone else.

"Harry," said Hermione, "I've been thinking. Shut up, Ron. Anyway, Riddle left his soul at the House of Gaunt, and the cave, right? What about the orphanage!"

"That's it, you're brilliant," said Harry, "maybe we'll find the cup there."

They went to the orphanage in London.

It was eerily empty. "Riddle must have killed them," said Harry, "The jerk!"

So they searched for the cup, and there it was, sitting innocently on a coffee table. "Helga Hufflepuff's" whispered Hermione reverently. Ron reached out.

"Wait!" shouted Harry. He waved his wand and lifted a scrap of paper off the ground, and levitated it against the cup.

There was a loud bang, and the paper exploded. Around them, the building began to catch fire.

"See?" said Hermione.

Harry grabbed the cup and ran. Then he smashed it against the pavement. It didn't break.

"Hermione," he said, "What do we do with this?"

"I dunno, kill it!"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The Horcrux exploded. It was dead. Gone.

"Yay!" they shouted.

"OK, how about the graveyard?" asked Harry, "bet there's one there!"

"No! Harry, that's where they meet! That must be where the snake is!"

"Oh, right."

"Where else would Riddle hide his soul?"

"One at Hogwarts, one where he grew up, one where he tortured somebody, one where his ancestors lived. Hmm…"

"Borgin and Burke's!" exclaimed four voices at once.

"Hey," said Ron. "The narrator just said FOUR voices!"

"Ginny!" they all exclaimed. Ginny looked stubborn.

"Hi" she said

"Knockturn Alley" they cried, and disapparated.

At Borgin and Burke's, they walked in and asked if he had anything of Rowena Ravenclaw's.

"Why yes," he said, looking oily. "I can't sell it though. Except for a very high price."

Harry shrugged. "Can I see it?"

"Sure," said Borgin, "For fifty Galleons."

"All right," said Harry.

Borgin pulled out the artifact. "Here," he said, still oily. "This bookend belonged to ravenclaw. It's even got the raven on it."

"Stand back" warned Harry.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" he shouted.

The bookend exploded.

Borgin fell back.

"Oops," said Harry. "RUN!"

They disapparated. "Yay!" They shouted.

"Assuming that R.A.B. took care of the locket," said Harry, "which we will, cause I feel like it, time to go to the graveyard."

There were four cracks and they arrived.

Nagini the snake saw them. "Hang on," hissed Harry in Parseltounge.

"OK," said Nagini.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Shouted Harry in Parseltongue.

Nagini soared backwards, hitting Lord Voldemort on the head.

"Yay!" they all shouted.

"Harry Potter!" said Voldemort. "Hi!"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" They all shouted at once.

There was much green light. Voldemort, who had planned on a long drawn-out conversation, was taken aback. Then he was blasted into the stratosphere. He fell back down and landed in the Ministry of Magic.

Back at the graveyard, there was much rejoicing, and romance.

"Augh!" shouted Rufus Scrimgeour, the Vampire. "Oh, he's dead. YES! I did it! Contact the _Prophet_ at once! I killed You-Know-Who!"

The End


	2. The Ordinary School Year

Harry Potter and the Ordinary School Year

All rights J.K. Rowling, blah, blah, blah, you know the drill.

It was a sunny day on Number Four Privet Drive, as it always seems to be at the start of these tales. A boy lay in the perfect bushes surrounding the house, listening to the television.

The boy's name was Dudley. He was pretty fat, and pretty dumb.

Elsewhere, in an obscure forest home that was many stories high, a boy named Harry Potter lay asleep. There was a loud bang. The forest erupted into flames, which hurtled towards the Burrow home. Various peculiar red-headed folk fled the house, shouting loudly and gesturing.

Soon after, the entire place was in smoke.

Ginny shouted. "Oh, no! Someone's coming! _Batbogeyus!_"  
Ginny was right. There, in the smoke were two chilling red eyes; the spooky effect of this was offset some when bats began to fly around and assaulted the eyes; their owner collapsed on the ground, screaming pathetically.

"Neville," said Ron. "What are you doing here, and why do you have spooky red eyes? That was Voldemort's gimmick, innit?

Mr. Weasley screamed. "Don't say that word."

"What word?"

"I cannot tell; suffice to say is one of the words..."  
"Oh, you mean 'it'."

"No, you fool," snapped Mr. Weasley. "You didn't even say 'it' – only 'innit'"

"But _you_ were the one who said 'it.'"

"I didn't say it, you said it!"

"No, Dad, you said 'it.'"

"Just – don't say that word."  
"What word?"

At this point, a voice intervened from the clouds. "Narrator here," he said. "and I think this has gone on long enough."  
"Yeah," muttered Harry. "You said it!"

At this point in our story, we would normally cut to the train ride on the Hogwarts Express – which we will...but not yet. First, it is important to remember that the events of this bizarre, self-aware, poorly-planned mad house of a novel, take place after the events of the previous bizarre, self-aware, poorly-planned mad house of a novel; as we well know, our heroes – Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Ginny Weasley – skipped a year of school in order to perpetrate certain noble and foolish acts of world-saving and Voldemort-slaying (which are currently accredited to none other than the wildly popular and dashingly handsome Rufus Scrimgeour, Minister of Magic and Savior of Mankind).

"That," muttered Ron, "was a run-on sentence."

"No, it wasn't" snapped Hermione, "a run-on sentence doesn't use semicolons, dashes, parentheses, and conjunctions nearly as well as that."

"You know too much!"  
"No, you know too little!"  
"Too much!"  
"Too little!"

"Shut up!" shouted Ginny. "We've had enough pointless dialogue for one episode."

"Not just enough," said Harry, "Too much!"

And so our heroes rode on the Hogwarts Express to school to finish their seventh year of schooling – except Ginny, who was in fact going back for her sixth year. Upon their arrival, the four of them were shocked to learn that for cutting an entire year of classes, there was no way any of them – including Hermione – could be Head Boy or Girl. The Head Boy instead, now in his seventh year, was Colin Creevey; and, sporting tomatoes as earrings and cucumbers as glasses, the Head Girl was the weirdest girl ever to grace Hogwarts, none other than Loony Luna Lovegood (these two were also the first secondary characters in Ginny's year who come to mind).

"You!" exclaimed Hermione.

"Me," said Luna simply. "My father says that you four found a Crumple-Horned Snorkack last year – that's why you were gone. It's a pity. You missed the party that we threw when Rufus Scrimgeour killed Voldemort – he brought a whole bunch of Heliopaths."

"Rufus Scrimgeour didn't kill Voldemort, we did!" they all exclaimed simultaneously.

"Whoa," said Luna, shocked. "You can cut back on the unison there. I'll see you guys later." She skipped off, singing, "and they think I'm loony" to the tune of "Weasley is our King."

Shortly thereafter, the foursome bumped into Professor (Headmistress) McGonagall. "Oh, goodness, gracious, it's the four of you. You four have skipped an entire year's worth of classes! Detention for all of you!"

They all gasped and started to complain.

"For the rest of your lives!"

You got used to detention, after a while.

Neville Longbottom, many miles away, screamed. "Gerremoffme Ginny! Help! Help!"

The End.


	3. Generic High School Blues

"Hey, Ron," said Harry, "I don't like you anymore."

"Oh," said Ron, "That sucks. Why?"

"Because," started Harry, "You aren't cool. Lavender Brown, cruel queen of the Hogwarts school (Who I coincidentally happen to have an enormous crush on) said so."

"Wow," said Ron. "Well fine Harry. I guess you can go hang out with your new better-looking friends. I guess you can't sit at my loser lunch table anymore."

"All right then," said Harry, "I'm sitting with the clique at the cool kid table."

"I'll have to hang out with Hermione then."

Hermione came bounding into the room. "HEY GUYS! HEY HARRY! HEY RON! HEY...oh. Lavender Brown."

Lavender looked down her obnoxiously clean nose at Hermione...and Ron. "You know, Harry," she began, "If you're going to be part of the clique, you can't have friends who have any sort of distinguishing features."

Hermione stood up offended. "I DO NOT HAVE DISTINGUISHING FEATURES!" she screamed. "Come, Ron. Let's go talk about how much better we are than them." She paused for effect. "And maybe we'll CLASH OUR CLOTHING and paint our nails black. Anti-conformism wins."

Lavender fainted.

Harry looked at the fainted Lavender, then at Ron and Hermione, then at the fireplace as he waited for a random head to pop into it and scare the living daylights out of a first-year. Since nothing happened, he whipped out a cell phone and speed-dialed Cedric.

"Hello?" picked up Cedric.

"Cedric, dahling, I'm throwing the pahty of the century (again.) Gryffindor common room, same as last time...sleepover."

"Will those... outcrowders Ronald and Hermione be there?" asked Cedric after a pause.

"Ahhh...of course not," said Harry, then resumed his fake accent. "Got to go dahling. Call waiting and such."

"Ciao," said Cedric as he snapped his phone shut.

Ron and Hermione stood there with awkwardly colored nails. "Are WE invited?" they asked.

"Yes, yes of COURSE," cooed Harry. "Ciao children. Things to see, places to do."

Ron looked at Hermione. "He's not really going to invite us," he said bluntly.

"Oh I know," cried Hermione. "Ever since he sold his copyright rights to Lavender Brown's publicist mother, he's never been the same."

Ron looked at her strangely as background music began to play and a karaoke machine appeared.

"I want to be..." Hermione began, and the lights of the Gryffindor common room flashed pretty colors.

"I WANNA BE FAMOUS. I WANNA BE POPULAR!! I HANG OUT WITH SEAMUS, AND HOUSE-ELVES THAT ARE MOP...ular...

"Hermione," said Ron, "That's not a word."

"IT IS NOW!!!" cried Hermione in rage as she kicked over a chair that wasn't there in the beginning of the scene. "IT'S NOT FAIR THAT LAVENDER BROWN CAN MAKE UP WORDS AND I CAN'T!"

"Sorry," said Ron. "Continue your song."

"NOBODY LOVES ME! EVERYBODY IGNORES ME! EVERYONE SNUBS ME! NO ONE ADORES ME! AND IIIII WANT TO BEEEEEEEEEEEEE...FAMOUS!"  
"Badumbadumbadumbadum" started Ron.  
"NOBODY CARES FOR ME!"

"Nooneee at all," echoed Ron.

"Life's a catastrophe."

"MY HAIR ISN'T GLAM ENOUGH."

"No, no" chimed in Ron, bouncing up and down.

"MY EYES AREN'T BIG ENOUGH."

"No, no."

"I'M JUST TOO SMARRRTT FOR THEMMM!!"

"No, no...wait...what?!"

Hermione smacked him across the face.

A few days later, at the sleepover, Harry was speaking.

"HARRY DAHLING!" cried Lavender Brown, "MUMSIE, THIS IS THE BOY WHO LIVED!"

"Dahling Lavender," said Mrs. Brown, "I already bought him for you."

"Oh yea," said Lavender. "Can I have another one?"

"No dahling, it'll spoil your figure."

"Oh my stars!" exclaimed Lavender. "Better skip a few meals."

Harry looked confused.

Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione decided to crash the party.

Unfortunately for them, the clique had a sharp eye for fashion mishaps.

A sickly sweet voice cut in their lack of dancing. "Your shoes, and your dress do not match, Ronald." said the voice of Cho.

"It's a sleepover. I'm wearing pajamas. Not a dress."

"It's clique talk dearie. Maybe someday you'll learn. In the meantime..." Cho stood up on a chair. "ATTENTION ALL! FASHION EMERGENCY! Oooh, and Cedric, dahling, you look fab."

Lavender Brown fainted at her first comment, then woke up.

"I'm going to hang out with my boyfriend, Ron," said Hermione. "We're cool because we don't care what you think."

"Um, Hermione?" interrupted Ron. "Did you just miss that whole musical number back there?"

Hermione smacked him again.

"AND I HAVE A SPOILER!" she said. The clique gathered around her like vulture scavengers looking for a piece of gossip.

"Cedric...is going to die...within a few years!"

Cedric laughed, twirled a curl, and walked away.

The night ended a bit later after some annoying detail I don't feel like going into.

At breakfast the next morning, Malfoy launched a war on the clique because he hadn't been invited to the party.

"Malfoy, dahling, pish-tosh," said Harry, waving a hand around, "It must have gotten lost in the mail."

"Don't dahling me, Potter," Malfoy replied coldly. "I used that rubbish excuse on you in the first week of school."

"Beg pardon?!" exclaimed Harry.

Lavender fainted.

Nobody paid attention to this anymore.

One week later, Colin Creevey approached Harry with a shell-shocked expression on his face.

"Harry, is it true that your mother..." he trailed off.

"My mother what? Had green eyes? Was muggleborn?" inquired Harry.

Colin leaned in and whispered something inaudible. Harry turned bright red.

"Where did you hear that?" he asked.

"It was written on the stall in the girl's bathroom," Creevy replied rather dubiously.

"What on earth were you doing in the girl's bathroom?" asked Harry.

"I wasn't in there. Pansy Parkinson told me."

"What were you doing listening to Pansy? She's not a reliable source."

"Well...Pansy heard it from...a reliable person...and gosh, Harry, I don't know the details, but if it's true, well, my lips are sealed...if it is true...gosh, look at the time, I really gotta go."

Harry had stopped paying attention at "Pansy" and mouthed a single word. "Malfoy."

"DRACONIUS LUCIUNARCISSUS MALFOY!" Harry exclaimed. He skipped a beat. "Dahling..."

"Yes, Harold James Potter?" drawled a cool voice from the shadows.

"MY MOTHER DID NOT...SHE WASN'T...WHY YOU...ARGHH!!!!...Dahling."

"This is what you get for not inviting me Harold," Draco said.

"Okay, Draconius. If that's the way you want to play, so be it. Let the games begin."

"Aren't you forgetting something?" asked Draco, as Harry turned.

"Dahling?" asked Harry, twirling around.

"I meant your tie that you lent me last week, but all right."

"I WANT THAT TOO DAHLING!" roared Harry.

Draco tossed it at him, and left satisfied.

But of course, he wouldn't stay that way.

Harry...had a plan.

Dinner. Two nights later.

Hannah Abbott let out a screech. Ernie Macmillan ran over to help her, and found her staring at a note. He leapt up onto the uncool table and bellowed the poem out to the cafeteria;

Roses are red

Sumtimz pink or white.

i wud luv u

in any case.

Sincerly,

Draeko Malvoy

The entire school erupted in laughter.

"What an awful poem!" exclaimed Hermione.

Lavender said, "It was not of poor literary competence, dahling, but it was written to Hannah Abbot!" Everyone giggled.

"Darn it all!" said Draeko (Draco). "Now I'll never be able to carry out my plan to kill Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Draco said, "Can't you see that my life is over?"  
Dumbledore frowned. "No," he said. "Crabbe and Goyle still like you. They're your real friends. I don't know what went wrong with my favorite pupil - "

"Me?" asked Draco.

"Heavens no, Harry Potter. Anyway, I can't understand why he's so obsessed with being popular. It's really just being well-liked after all, but even when he was popular you didn't like him. That's why fictional settings such as this one are bogus."

"Ha!" exclaimed Hermione. "You see Professor, Ron and I were never into this popularity thing. We have been content to be ourselves."

"That's not true, said Dumbledore. "You two define yourselves by what you're not, obsessing just the way Harry here does."

"Oh," said Hermione. "Now I see that being the opposite of everyone else isn't being yourself, it's just being the opposite of everyone else. Black nails are heinous."

"Indeed they are," said Dumbledore. "Indeed they are."


End file.
